Who I am now

Yesterday I took a leap of faith and emailed a friend from my homeschooling days. I hadn’t talked to her in nearly 6 months. I wasn’t sure if she would be around and willing to talk to me, since I had fallen off the face of the internet in that part of my life. I was overjoyed to hear back from her almost immediately!
We ended up spending nearly 2 hours on the phone, talking and catching up. You see, this extremely intelligent and kind hearted woman is in a bad marriage just like I was.
She told me she was proud of me for finally getting out. She said she knew something was up when I stopped homeschooling (which I absolutely loved), and put my kids into school. She said she knew that I was going to “go for it” when I stopped chatting in my homeschooling group, and basically cut that part of my life off.
She was right. I suppose the thoughts had been there for a very long time (since at least last November), but I did what most women did…I hung on thinking that this once might be different, that he might finally see what his controlling was doing to ruin my self respect, my pride, and my love for him. But it didn’t. So, over six months later I moved out.
It wasn’t easy to take that first step out the door. But the feelings that have come since I did are absolutely amazing! My friend said she could here it in my voice, my confidence was back. And she is right.
I walk around each day with my head held high. I am proud of myself. For the first time in over 6 years, I am comfortable in my own skin. While I am not overly thrilled to wake up on some days at 5 am for work, I am overjoyed to wake up each day knowing that no one is going to emotionally manipulate me today. Or ever again. Because I won’t let them.
I have found a new strength in myself, that I suppose was there all along, but had slowly been beaten down by constantly being told my love wasn’t enough. Giving my heart wasn’t enough, giving my soul wasn’t enough. Sacrificing everything I was, wasn’t enough.
But I have come to a realization in the last two months since I moved on….It was enough. It was too much. I didn’t fight hard enough to be an equal partner in the relationship. I let him control me. I let him manipulate my emotions to suit his needs. But that isn’t going to happen again.
A gentleman last night that I was chatting to online informed me that I was a prude because I think that a hug is an intimate thing, and wasn’t willing to give one to a complete stranger, just because they expect it. My body belongs to no one but me. I decide who will hug me, or anything else for that matter. I do not have to let anyone so much as touch my hand if I choose not too. That is not a prude, that is someone who has repect for herself. And if that cannot be respected by another person, then they are not worth my time.
I think about my friend often, even though we hadn’t talked for months. And it was sooooo good to hear her voice, and sad at the same time. I could hear her pain. I wish I lived closer to her so that I could help her out. But I see in the very near future that she will be ready for that first step out the door. And she will feel just like I do right now….like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. Like I can conquer the world.
It is not easy being a single mother again, I definitely never pictured myself here again at 41. But here I am! Take me as I am or leave. Very simple, and I will never again compromise who I am for another person.
Be blessed


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