Pity Party over….

As you probably could tell last night, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.  I don’t often get in a funk, but it happens once in awhile.  Several things have played into this funk:

A)  I have spent the better part of the last 5 years not feeling anything.  When you are with someone who is emotionally needy, it takes all your energy to keep that person’s head above water.  Your gulps and gasps of air are just a part of daily living.  You tread water as best you can.  Well, my body and mind got tired.  I finally allowed myself to feel what has been building up in me for years.  And it came out through the floodgates.  While I don’t like that feeling, it was a good thing because it made me stop, even for a few hours.

B)  I don’t like being told “you can’t”.  I hate it actually.  I hate when others have control over my life, through work (not getting enough hours to pay the bills), through relationships (hubby trying to still control me and the situation even though we are separated).  I can do anything I set my mind to.

The key to this is something I forgot for a little while….I am not alone.  I have God.  He will guide me, stand by me, hold my hand, give me a hug….when the humans in my life let me down.  For the first time in several months, I gave it all to God last night.  I asked for his forgiveness…for allowing my distrust in people to carry over into distrusting Him.  And then I thanked him…for my beautiful children, for the roof over my head, for the air I breathe.

I still don’t have the answers to the financial situation, but I know He will provide what is needed.  And maybe the Homemaker’s is just a pit stop in the journey.  I know I am going to get a phone call today or tomorrow about a job that I interviewed for.  It doesn’t feel right.  The hours are wonky (7am-11:30 pm, Saturdays and Sundays), and I am not entirely comfortable with the type of patient I would be dealing with.  So, I am going to turn it down.  A few days ago I would have taken it just because it was a paycheck.  But the sacrifice would be too great…no weekends with my children…they would have to go to their grandmother’s on the weekend’s they aren’t with their father.  My dd would have to get the boys supper and get them to bed.  That is not her job.  She is only 15, and while I think she needs responsibility, that is not one of them.  She is not ready to be a part time mother.

I am not sure what will happen in the next few weeks, but I will keep applying for jobs, and God will send the right one to me.  I trust him. 

Be Blessed!


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